I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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