i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
