sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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