he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
