I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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