I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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