sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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