and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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