They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
