All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
