half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
