he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
