bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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