how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Sorry my hands just texted you
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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