Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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