You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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