dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
