I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
