also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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