Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
