9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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