My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
