my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
