I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
