So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Shame - the story of my life.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize