we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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