giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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