NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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