thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
