Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
