FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize