one might say we're banned from that church
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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