I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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