my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
