When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
