Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
