if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
