I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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