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So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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