News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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