we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
