i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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