I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
