i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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