Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
