well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just invented taco cereal.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
