I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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