someone owes me an orgasm
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
