1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I accidentally had phone sex last night
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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