Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
