I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
