He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
